Frustrated Artist

Lost but not forgotten

2012-01-02T15:09:00.006-05:00

I haven't blogged in a long time, mainly because I was busy with work and life in general, but I never stop thinking about what I would share if I had time to actually sit down and share. So, here goes...what I've been up to.

This past semester, I took a course in Life Painting in Oils, below are some of the paintings I produced during this course. Comments and (gentle) criticisms welcome.

(posted from most recent)

costumed model - 3 sittings

reclining nude - 2 sittings

palette knife - one sitting

fauvism style - 2 sittings

nude - 2 sittings

(this was our first painting)

UFC comes to Toronto

2011-05-01T09:31:00.002-04:00

Though not an art post...and it's been some time since I've posted any...this is something that I felt strongly enough to blog about. Every event in our lives, shapes who we are as artists.

Last night, I was out to dinner at a local restaurant with my sons to celebrate end of exams and end of the school year. Playing on the television was the newly legalized UFC “event” in Toronto. While waiting in line for our table I was strangely mesmerized by the fights. My sons kept distracting me with details of historical photographs, of the local neighbourhood, hung on the walls of the restaurant. But I kept looking back at the television. Knowing way too many little facts and recognizing some of the fighters. While captivated, I was also somewhat repulsed by the image of two young men, in a cage, who likely have no previous disagreement with one another, wanting to knock each other out.

Once at our table, I was still watching the television and not bonding with my boys, which was one of my intentions for dinner (their sister, on a trip bonding with their father). Then, it happened, the channel changed to hockey. Hockey!! Another violent sport which I won’t get into here. And it started, I began spewing some “did you knows” about UFC and not really knowing how I even knew these facts – surprising and disgusting myself! I grew upset with the fact the channel was changed and asked the waiter to “please put the fight back on.” At which point, my sons burst out laughing. What? Is it that strange that a 50-something mother would ask to watch a fight? Maybe.

I think I was fascinated not because it was enjoyable to watch (which it must have been on some level or I would not have watched) but I believe it was the disbelief of WHAT I was watching. Young men. Young, physically fit men pounding eat other with kicks and punches in a strange dance of boxing, wresting and martial arts. Hurting one another for no reason other than the audience’s pleasure. Young men, who will inevitably sustain physical damage that, if not immediately life threatening, is long term and irreparable. I felt sorry for these young men…many of whom were not much older than my “baby.” I felt sorry for us that we would willingly watch such violence. And I feel sorry that we live in a world that violence is not perceived by everyone as wrong.

I understand and respect the training and the work these young men must do to perform with such strength and precision. Analyzing and delivering their blows at the right time, to hit the sweet spot in order to get the “knock out” or the “tap out” needed to win the match. What stands out in my mind this morning as I sit here, is the image of one of the fighters sitting in the change room before his fight. Looking tough, but something in his eyes registered with me at my core as a mother, he was somewhat scared…nervous of what he was about to do. My heart broke for him.

Last drawing class

2009-08-14T21:29:00.008-04:00

My course end last Thursday. We got to class and set up our easels as usual. There was a model but no one was really sure what the plan was for this last class as we had done our final project the week prior. Our final pose was a 3-hour nude (below) and after the three hours were over, I felt as I could continue drawing for another three hours. So, what was the plan for this last class?

Our instructor was returning the work and talking to each of us about our drawing and our plans with the program. While he was doing that we were invited to do any type of drawing we wanted, I chose to do a portrait (also below). One by one he called each student up. At first I thought he was being nice to everyone, but then I overheard a couple of conversations that were not so positive. By the time it came to me, I was quite nervous. He called me up, commented that I had drawn the head smaller than scale and added that this particular mistake was better than drawing the head too big - which would make the model look "grotesque", in his words. He also said he liked the hands - which are so terribly hard to do - and he said I had a natural way with the pencil!! Wow!

The insecure me immediately jumped up to tell me that he was just being nice to everyone. So, I listened more attentively to the next few critiques. And...I can safely say...he was not shy, at all, about being honest in what he thought of everyone's talents or shortcomings. By the end of the evening, I was pleased with my work in the course and the progress I had made. I've signed up for the next course. I selected one of the compulsories in the program and my daughter will be joining me in the course. I'm really looking forward to that too. In the meantime, I've signed up for belly dancing again. My first class was last night and I just loved it!

EDM #56 - Draw a self portrait

2009-07-27T22:54:00.008-04:00

The exercises we have been doing in my drawing class have been fun and challenging. The most challenging of all was the self-portrait we were assigned. I don't think I've done a live self-portrait since I was in high school. In order to "warm up" I first used a photo of myself in order to familiarize myself with my face from an objective perspective. Then, once I felt I could draw my own features I set up the mirror and drew myself. Well...wasn't that fun!! NO. I must have erased 20 times and then when I thought I was done I asked my daughter (a talented artist in her own rite, and my most honest art critic) what she thought. She looked at it and made one statement. It's interesting how you see yourself. WHAT??!?

I didn't ask her what she meant, right away. I thought about it for a couple of days while I studied my work. A few days later I asked her what she meant. She answered saying, "Well, when you look at your drawing it's obvious you see all the wrinkles in your face that are really not evident when someone looks at you." Interesting. For the next few days, I kept checking myself out in every mirror I passed. She was right, I don't really have a lot of wrinkles for my age, but in the drawing they, sure as heck, are right there...every last one of them.

So, after working on my psychological hang-ups, I've decided to post my self-portrait after all and link it to the Everyday Matters Groups as my re-introduction to the group. Here I am, wrinkles and all...

...looking at it here...I also notice I made my face wider than it actually is...oh well.

My drawing course is almost over...

2009-07-26T22:03:00.013-04:00

And I'm going to miss the class. I've really enjoyed this course and have been having visions of artful success! Ah, to create art and to actually sell it to someone who loves it as much as I do, what a dream is that! That is what my goal, but I have a way to go before I get to that point. Everything I produce is still very personal, very much for my own pleasure coming from my heart. I could never part with what I paint, I wonder how you come to the point that you can part with your art.

Here are some of my most recent sketches. I posted these on my Facebook page and got some really positive feedback, which did wonders to bolster my ego, especially during this difficult time in my life.

I hope you enjoy some of my drawings.

every class begins with gesture drawings, here are two I like

skull study in preparation for portraiture

drapery study

2-hour pose

Beginning Portraiture

2009-07-10T12:42:00.005-04:00

I've always enjoyed drawing people's faces as long as I can remember. As a teenager, I would draw the portraits of the boys I had crushes on. I remember one portrait of Marlon Jackson (of the Jackson Five) who I absolutely crushed on, as well as one of the Osmond brothers, David Cassidy, and various boys in my classes. As my kids were growing I would draw them, usually fast sketches with little likeness, 'cause they moved around so much. Most recently, I painted my youngest son's portrait and have sketched my daughter's, but haven't started painting as yet.

Last night, we started our class, as usual, with gestures - which is a great warmup to drawing. We then moved on to do a number of conture drawings and after the break we began doing portraits. We had one of my favourite models, Paula. She is very lean and angular. Her face has a "Kennedy" look to it, but I don't think I was able to capture that with her lips. Her face has the look like Maria Schriver's or Caroline Kennedy's. A strong, angular upper lip and high cheekbones. Looking at it now, I realize the lips should be wider than I've drawn them. But, I still think it's a pretty good likeness of her, aside from that.

Exhilarated by drawing

2009-07-03T15:59:00.006-04:00

My drawing class goes by so quickly. How three hours of drawing fly by is unbelievable. Last night we had a really beautiful model. Her facial features were so well defined she was a delight to draw. We are studying drapery and moving on with shading. Below is a drawing of last night's model, plus two other models from earlier in June.

Stefan Galvanek

2009-06-23T07:51:00.002-04:00

Last Thursday, in my art class, my teacher Stefan Galvanek invited me and my friend to his gallery opening the next night. I called my friend and she was able to attend with me. My daughter also wanted to come along. What a great evening it turned out to be.

Downtown at Sam's

Stefan is an excellent teacher who flatters my work...don't know whether he means it or not, but I need to believe he does, otherwise I couldn't go on. I enjoy the exercises we do, the models he's chosen for us to draw, and the dry sense of humour he has. In talking to him, I explained how this was something I had wanted to do all my life, and have finally given myself permission to pursue the study of art. I wish one day to have my own gallery showing and be a self-sufficient artist. (hmmm...it's not even "Wishcasting Wednesday" and I'm throwing wishes out there.)

Finally doing formal training in art

2009-06-05T20:20:00.016-04:00

As a frustrated artist, there are a number of things I have been frustrated about. Mostly, that I never got a chance to formally study art. Right after my university years, I took a number of art courses...life drawing, ceramics, painting, etc. But none that would lead to a certificate, diploma, or degree. Now, one would say, that's not important but, to me, it is. I think it's my way of validating my artistic skills, my creativity, myself. My self-esteem is wrapped up in proving myself. As I embark on a new workplace and new portfolio, I worry about "performing" up to snuff...proving I am good at what I do. I KNOW I am good at what I do, but there is that self-doubt. That voice in my head that still says, maybe you're just not good enough. Art has been a way to heal myself. To touch my inner child. Yet, I have difficulty giving myself permission to play...to paint...to create.

Since May I have been doing the first course in a fine arts certificate at a local college. Below are some of the exercises we have done in the first six classes. My instructor has given me positive feedback and seems to like my work. And, more importantly, I like my work!

First Class: Still Life Thumbnail

Second Class: Gesture

Third Class: Negative Space
(this photo is on end...the model was curled up on the floor...I don't know how to flip the picture in Blogger)

Fourth Class: we learned about body proportions

Sixth Class (I missed the fifth): we studied the skeleton

This was a thirty minute pose

Moving

2009-05-18T09:54:00.005-04:00

I've just moved a lot of my posts to my other blog http://efterpe.blogspot.com/ which was the blog I meant for journalling life issues, weight, and things in my life other than art-related pursuits.

I have cleared all the posts like the weight loss and soul coaching posts to the other blog. I want to get back to posting my art as I work through the college art course I am taking at night school.

So, for my followers...the few special people that you are and whose support I really, really appreciate...you may wish to change my address in your "following" list.

p.s., I don't think I've done this right...so, for now, all my posts are on both blogs...*sigh*

Wishcasting

2009-05-17T09:47:00.005-04:00

It's Sunday morning and I was just perusing some of the blogs I follow. I've decided to join Jamie's Starshyne Wishcasting Wednesday (even though I'm starting on Sunday, I think this is a good exercise for me).

Who do you wish to connect to?

I wish to connect with me. The 'me' who was more carefree than the one I know now. The 'me' who had pride in herself and didn't punish her body for every little thing she deems as a "failure" - this 'me' hasn't been around for a long, long time.

I wish to connect with me who believed she could do anything. I think I'm meeting up with her now, as I am trying the things I've wanted to do in my lifetime.

I wish to connect with me and be happy.

New painting

2008-11-02T17:08:00.002-05:00

I started a new painting, a couple of weeks ago, of the view on my drive home. The two apartment towers in Leaside at sunset look really cool. The style I've painted it in is more abstract than how I normally paint, but I like it and it feels authentic to me, if that makes sense. I've left it for a bit because of what is going on with my father. I was thinking of doing a number of views in this style. Including the view along O'Connor on I drive toward the Trillium building. My idea was to do a series of buildings that are meaningful to me in terms of my day-to-day activities.

New goals?

2008-10-18T20:53:00.005-04:00

For me, it's about goal setting. If I can set a goal, it gives me something to work towards. And...somehow or other, I figure things out.

I was thinking about my situation, and the extreme unhappiness I'm having with respect to work-place statisfaction. I thought about what had made me happy about work and how I can get back to that place. I enjoyed teaching...as an adminstrator I work with disgruntled people - kids, parents, teachers - rarely do they come in to tell me something good, mostly just problems or concerns. Teaching - interacting with students - developing curriculum - seeing the light in my students eyes as the lesson clicked for them -- that was joy. How can I get back to that joy and pursue "art happiness."

Two things happened this past week - one, a casual conversation with a friend and second, a trip to the library.

The conversation: My friend AH is program coordinator for a Continuing Education program and was talking about how great that experience is in contrast to role in the day as administrator. It's a role she enjoys...meeting people who want to learn - whether it's for pleasure, interest or somehow work-related. Teachers who are keen to share what they know.

The trip to the Library: I wanted to take out the South Beach diet book because I want to kick start my weight loss and get that last 10 pounds off (yes, I know, famous last words). While there I browsed in the Art section and found a spiral bound book by Nancy Reyner - Acrylic Revolution: New Tricks and Techniques for Working with the World's Most Versatile Medium. I took the books out and when I was going through Acrylic Revolution I thought about how someone could use it as a textbook for experimenting in art.

Then the idea: I thought how great it would be to teach a night school course through Con Ed. We could explore the versatility of acrylics and do a sampling of exercises from the book. Anyway, I was so excited I sat down and started preparing a ten week lesson plan. A LESSON PLAN. Something I haven't done in almost 5 years. It was fun! I told AH about it and she got all excited and wants me to commit to teaching at her school in January.

Well...I put the brakes on that. I can't see it happening this year...but maybe next September. I (once again) don't have the confidence in myself...which is crazy, 'cause one of the courses I taught one year was a course on PhotoShop - which I had never used before!! Yet, the kids did great, produced some amazing work, and I felt great about it at the end of the year!!

Hmm....something to think about.

Update on my life...

2008-10-13T19:18:00.003-04:00

It's been many months since my last post. Since then, I have turned 50, have been taking belly dancing classes, cycled 200 kilometers from Toronto to Niagara Falls, pulled out from the promotion track at work 'cause I'm taking care of my ailing father, lost about 10 pounds, and am still dreaming of being a painter. So, with all the things I have achieved, what is holding me back from a dream I've had since I was a child. What stops me? Fear? Self-confidence? Self-esteem? Well? Yes, all of the above. The fear I have is the voice in my head that says "who am I to think I am an artist without 'training' or 'education'?" Thanks to this core fear I have very little self-confidence and low self-esteem. This is a perfect example of self-sabotage or a self fulfilling prophecy.

How do I create a new self fulfilling prophecy? This is the question. This is my quest.

My pretty daughter...

2008-03-17T19:40:00.003-04:00

Another unfinished painting...this one is of my daughter at our cottage against a backdrop of beautiful fall leaf colours. I've promised myself that I will finish this one this year for sure! (It looks a little smudged 'cause I've moved it around so often...should probably clean it up first.)

found my sketch book!!!

2008-02-24T18:48:00.002-05:00

It was in my closet! Why? Who knows...I was probably cleaning and wanted to put it somewhere where I wouldn't forget...and forgot about it! Well, I'm happy and will be back to getting through the EDM list.

My baby boy....

2008-02-22T22:23:00.006-05:00

This is a portrait of my youngest son when he was about 5-6 years old, sitting on a lawn chair by the lake at our cottage. He's 17 now but remains my "baby"...and he still has the same wonderful smile.

This is the first portrait I've ever painted. I started painting it in acrylics but found it to difficult to do the details in the face, so I finished it with water-based oil paints. It was a pleasure working in this medium because it was like working with oil-based paints, only without the smell and clean-up.

...lost my sketchbook

2008-02-19T15:54:00.009-05:00

I can't find my sketchbook, so I had to reprint the EDM list. I noticed something I hadn't before, EDM #67 - Draw something Mom. I'm posting this drawing of my mother when she was around 20 or so. I drew this soon after her death and since I've been thinking alot about her lately (well, I always think about her...but more lately), I thought I'd share my drawing here.

I hope I find my skechbook soon...looking at this now, I see I need to taper her cheeks a bit...

...so I'm back...

2008-02-16T16:56:00.004-05:00

Life's gotten in the way, as it always does, and I let it. But, today I took hold and finished a painting I started last year. Initially, I was focused on doing a simple still life. Apples on a draped satin fabric. I used a reference photo my son had for a project when he was in high school. It looked simple enough. Not so, when I got to working the draping...then the painting became all about learning to paint draped fabric. Once I got it to look just like I wanted, I couldn't even think about finishing the apples...until today! I'm finished... and I think it looks good. What a great feeling. So, now I've gone downstairs and pulled out four other paintings I started last year and plan on finishing those in the near future.

long time...

2008-02-10T16:36:00.000-05:00

Just bought a professional artist easel from someone on Craigslist. It's great...well used, but still great...plus about 30-40 canvases, all for about $100. I'm really glad, I've wanted this easel for some time but didn't want to pay the full $250 for a new one. As for painting, I working on "finishing" this year. I have about 6 paintings in process and all very near completion, but I just left them. So my goal is to finish these before starting a new one.

Efterpe's Wish

2008-01-05T14:43:00.000-05:00

Today...on my mother's birthday...I've decided to start another blog. This one will remain (or return to being) focused on my artistic endeavours...or my journey towards my artistic expression. My other blog, will focus on my path toward feeling happier about myself...and battling (once and for all) my issues around weight.

fitness

2007-11-05T21:23:00.001-05:00

Tonight was my first session with my personal trainer. I never thought I would ever say anything like that...or even say anything remotely close to anything like that. I've decided now is the time I have to integrate physical fitness into my life. Between the stress and the arthritis I just can't see my life going as it has been. My goal for working with this trainer is to be able to get back to when I was able to do exercise every night and feel good and move without worrying about what I might hurt.

what is an artist?

2007-10-30T19:20:00.000-04:00

What is an artist? Every definition of an artist includes the word "creative." Define "creative" - one who has the power to create. Interesting words. More interesting is the ability to integrate those words into your life, your being. To create through so many different means.

frustrated writer - no more

2007-10-21T20:43:00.002-04:00

Well...I deleted the "frustrated writer" blog...just like I quit my Creative Writing course. I so wanted to learn to paint with words but, unfortunately, the time is not right.

I spent yesterday and today painting. Painting the walls of our new study for the kids...

The colours are unique...pale green-yellow with an accent wall of "super nova" (which is Benjamin Moore's name for eggplant purple). It's certainly going to be an interesting looking room.

tired...again...

2007-10-16T22:23:00.000-04:00

This blog's purpose was to serve as an outlet for release of my creative energies. I find myself working all day and then coming home and working some more. I had intended to take time for myself, to pursue something I enjoyed. I'm very tired. Surprisingly, though, I'm not as stressed as I think I should be. It's already mid-October - usually by now I'm slipping into a low emotional cycle. Though I feel tired, I'm not feeling the emotional down that mid-October brings. Is this a good sign? Maybe. I will hold on to positive thinking.

EDM #2 - draw a lamp

2007-10-14T19:35:00.000-04:00

I haven't had much inspiration to draw in the past few days. It was a really tough week and the next week is going to be much of the same. I searched down the EDM list to find an object I could just draw from the sofa, as I parked myself there almost every evening after getting in late from work.

So...the easiest to do was the lamp across from me on the make-shift table in the living room.

There's a picture of my daughter beside the lamp. It looks tilted because the "table" is actually a sample kitchen cabinet door sitting on some boxes. I wasn't up to sketching the details...I just drew her there...tilted!

EDM Challenge #33 - draw an eye

2007-10-09T22:12:00.000-04:00

This is drawn from a photo my daughter's eye. I printed in black and white to get the subtle shadows and tried to tint the blue of her eye. I didn't realize the variation of blues - even teal. I wasn't able to capture that, but will try again.

either one thing or another

2007-10-08T21:39:00.000-04:00

This Thanksgiving weekend was spent creating. Creating baked goods, beautiful meals, and memorable times...but not too much drawing.

I have created another blog - one focused on writing. I'm taking a night school course in Creative Writing, so I thought a blog would be a fun forum to share my adventures in writing. I've been writing almost all my life - mostly journals, some poetry and (of course) work-related technical writing.

I'm looking forward to the next ten weeks of this course. My goal is to be able to write short stories.

Chaos

2007-10-01T19:40:00.000-04:00

I did a couple of sketches yesterday (Sunday)...the following is only a small part of all the work I brought from my old office....fully intending to take it to my new office...but haven't done so yet! It's all sitting in a pile...disorganized to some, perfectly ordered to me. There's a plastic dropcloth overtop that's been pulled back so I can access files.

Today, after work, I tackled clearing out some of the paperwork I know I'll never need again. (at least, I hope I'll never need them again)

EDM #1 - shoes!!!

2007-10-01T15:43:00.001-04:00

I've posted EDM Challenge #1 - Shoes. This is a pair of Amber coloured shoes which are so gorgeous. They are a nice soft leather with a great faux-wooden heal.

Maria a la Modigliani

2007-09-30T15:56:00.000-04:00

After the Modigliani exhibit in Toronto in 2005, I was inspired to draw my daughter in similar style. My intention was to paint her...I still intend to...but life has gotten in the way somewhat.

What I am especially pleased about is that she really likes this drawing of herself with bangs!!!

blogger frustration

2007-09-27T22:49:00.000-04:00

Boy oh boy...blogging is fun, yet frustrating...so many settings, so little patience!

I'm thankful to the members of Everyday Matters group for supporting me by emailing hints and tips.

Finally...two EDM challenges done!

2007-09-24T19:07:00.000-04:00

OK...I think I've figured out how to post my drawings. Somehow they look better in real life than on the computer. I guess the next step is for me to figure out how the camera works and take a decent picture.

The first one is my bedpost. The funny thing about this is, we've had this bed since we got married...and it was only recently that I realized my bed as a girl was also a "cannonball" bed.

The second challenge is a drawing of my feet...which also looks better in the sketchbook than it does here.

what a rough week...

2007-09-23T22:05:00.001-04:00

All in all, it was generally a rough week. Did I manage to get some drawing in? Yes. Where they great? No, but that's not what I'm striving for. Did they help me deal with some of the raw emotions that came up to the surface? Yup! What a cheap source of therapy!!!

I did a couple of the EDM challenges. I sketched my feet. That was fun. One would think I have an obsession with my feet (which I probably do - for the amount of shoes I buy). It seems I have a number of photos and sketches of my feet. As I was sketching this challenge, I had a flash of memory that I had done a similar sketch before. After flipping through a couple of older sketchbooks, it was indeed true I had sketched my feet a few times! It would be fun just to collect all the photos and sketches I have of my feet and put them together in a collage. "Lillian's feet" -- well...after all, they are my most favourite part of my body! ;-)

a deep sorrow

2007-09-20T21:14:00.000-04:00

Life is so very fragile. Talking with a dear young friend about the near loss of a friend, the grief, the frustration and the anger. All very passionate, very intense emotions. How can I console someone when these are emotions I have difficulty controlling. Controlling emotions...like controlling watercolours in a puddle of water. What transpires can be something very beautiful, or something very chaotic, undescribable. My belief is that whether we can tell what the painting is or not, it retains its own beauty though we may not see it through our emotions or even want to see it.

A long time ago, a friend lost her baby at 8 months of pregnancy. After the funeral of the baby, when we were all gathered, trying to support her, she was able to make us understand how she was handling this very tragic time in her life. She told us...life is like a tapestry where God only sees the finished product and we only see the frayed underside - forever unable to see the beauty of the tapestry. We know there is order, only we can't see it. That has comforted me even in my deepest, darkest periods.

started drawing

2007-09-11T21:33:00.000-04:00

I started drawing last night! I sat in bed with my sketchbook and sketched my bedpost...then I got sleepy so I didn't finish. It felt so good drawing again. I find the EDM Challenges as a really great kick-start to drawing. I just follow the list (well, I've just started following the list) and draw!!

this week was not too productive...personally

2007-09-09T21:45:00.000-04:00

Didn't do any drawing...actually, didn't do much of anything for myself but work this week. It was the first week back to school and it just flew by.

It was also Frosh week...so...I was driving my young Frosh leader to and fro...at one point she was purple...like an Easter egg....oh my!! my beautiful girl -- PURPLE....but she had fun so it was all worth it. The boys went back to school too and had a great week....

Also, still working on the house too...so...squeezing time out where there isn't much will be an interesting challenge....

I'm hoping as things settle down and I'm working less from home, driving the kids around less, and I'll be able to make some time to draw....or not, we'll see!

Sunday

2007-09-02T10:53:00.000-04:00

I've really been inspired by the Everyday Matters group on Yahoo (see link below to join). I've just spent the morning perusing through the many blogs and postings of beautiful art. I also posted this site on my Art Interests online conference that I moderate at work.

first blog

2007-09-01T16:22:00.000-04:00

This is the first post to this blog. I'm starting a blog because I came across a group in Flickr called Everyday Matters. And it seems to be an art group and it's inspired me to draw again.

...at least for now.